Was it slug slime that helped give Gwynnie her glow?.. and did Paxo really pose in a mankini? Pit your wits against the funniest quiz of the year

What did Gwyneth Paltrow say helped her beauty regime?

What did Gwyneth Paltrow say helped her beauty regime?

BREXIT MEANS ERM, ER…

1 Which of these was genuine campaign merchandise?

A ‘Referendummys’ for babies, bearing the slogan ‘The EU sucks’

B Brussels sprouts dyed blue and yellow so they looked like the EU flag

C Vote Leave condoms saying ‘It’s riskier to stay in’

D The ‘Jean-Claude Jumper’ – knitwear showing the EU president giving a double thumbs-up

2 Which top music act headlined the pop concert for Brexit?

A One of the Cheeky Girls

B Justin Leaver, a Justin Bieber tribute act

C The cast of Hamilton. Not the Broadway smash, but the Dover Amateur Players rock opera about former Radio 2 DJ ‘Diddy’ David Hamilton

D None. Most acts booked pulled out when they realised what the cause was – and then the Electoral Commission raised concerns and the gig was pulled

3 Who offered to intervene and sort out the bizarre ‘Battle Of The Thames’ between Nigel Farage’s flotilla and Bob Geldof’s?

A Ban Ki-Moon

B Captain Birdseye

C Poseidon, God of the Sea

D The Russian Navy

4 Which of these stunts did Boris Johnson NOT do to try to persuade people to vote Leave?

A Kiss a fish

B Auction a cow

C Perform ‘doughnuts’ in a flashy sports car

D Have his head shaved

Who offered to intervene and sort out the bizarre ¿Battle Of The Thames¿ between Nigel Farage¿s flotilla and Bob Geldof¿s?

Who offered to intervene and sort out the bizarre ‘Battle Of The Thames’ between Nigel Farage’s flotilla and Bob Geldof’s?

5 How did the French try to persuade Britain to stay in?

A By making concessions on our demands to curb freedom of movement

B Coming over on the Eurostar bearing croissants

C Promising to give us ‘dix points’ in the next Eurovision Song contest if we stayed

D Conceding that cheese is NOT a suitable breakfast food

6 What did Jeremy Paxman wear in a documentary about the EU?

A Lederhosen

B A jumper bearing the flags of the EU nations, based on one Margaret Thatcher once wore

C A Napoleon outfit

D A ‘mankini’ made from the Maastricht Treaty

TRUMPAGEDDON

7 Which of these lies did Donald Trump tell on the campaign trail?

A Claimed not to know Samuel L. Jackson, despite having played golf with him

B Claimed that Al Wilson (or sometimes Al Green) wrote the soul song The Snake in the 1990s – when it was actually written by Oscar Brown in 1963.

C Claimed to have been voted Michigan’s ‘man of the year’ when no such title exists

D All of the above – obviously

How did Katie Price's husband Kieran Hayler apologise for cheating on her?

How did Katie Price's husband Kieran Hayler apologise for cheating on her?

8 Trump wasn’t the nuttiest candidate to stand for election. Which of these did NOT file for candidacy?

A Vermin Supreme, a bearded man with a boot on his head whose manifesto included plans for the zombie apocalypse and free ponies for all

B Sydney’s Voluptuous Buttocks, who had the slogan: ‘After all, every politician is an a**hole so what’s the difference?’

C Deez Nuts, a teenage Iowa farm boy, who chose Limberbutt McCubbins, a cat, as his running mate

D Boaty McBoatface

9 Which of these was not real merchandise created by Hillary Clinton fans?

A T-shirts saying Girls Just Wanna Have Fun…Damental Rights

B Clinton brand security software to erase hard drives

C A bar of soap in the shape of her head.

D A Hillary Clinton nutcracker, to crack ‘the toughest nuts’ in her ‘stainless steel thighs’

10 What was the first thing that Republican candidate Ted Cruz did when he announced he was withdrawing from the presidential race?

A Re-enter the race

B Punched, then elbowed, his wife, Heidi in the face

C Blamed Hillary Clinton for 9/11, Pearl Harbor and the baffling success of Mrs Brown’s Boys

D Drove off in his gold-plated Ferrari

THE GRIM REAPER DOES OVERTIME

(OR Questions about famous faces we lost in 2016)

11 The CIA once tried to damage Fidel Castro’s image by…

A Setting him up with a fake profile on gay dating site Grindr

B Plotting to use chemicals to make his trademark beard fall out

C Releasing fake footage of him dancing at a Captain & Tennille concert

D Saying he was the man who came up with the idea of ‘on-hold’ music

12 Which role did Ronnie Corbett reject?

A One of the apes in 2001: A Space Oddity

B An alternative Two Ronnies alongside Ronnie Kray

C An Oompa Loompa

What did Jeremy Paxman wear in a documentary about the EU?

What did Jeremy Paxman wear in a documentary about the EU?

D British Ambassador to Chad

13 David Bowie first appeared on TV in 1964 – in what context?

A Playing a Christmas elf in an advert for British Home Stores

B Being interviewed as founder of The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Long-haired Men

C Giving an out-of-tune rendition of London’s Burning on his recorder in a school concert

D A mistaken booking as producers wanted Monkees star Davy Jones, but got Bowie – real name David Jones

14 Which short-lived career did Muhammad Ali have while he was suspended from boxing?

A Traffic warden

B Primary school teacher

C Broadway musical; star

D Beekeeper and butterfly-wrangler, thus inspiring one of his most famous quotes

15 Which of these people did Prince NOT threaten to sue:

A Fans who recorded his gigs on their phones

B An NHS dentist who wanted to record an operatic version of Purple Rain

Of what did Samantha Cameron say ¿I don¿t think I¿m really cut out for this¿?

Of what did Samantha Cameron say ‘I don’t think I’m really cut out for this’?

C Adobe Photoshop, to prevent fans doctoring photos of him

D The owner of the diner Little Red Courgette

16 What did Terry Wogan call his fans?

A TOGs: Terry’s Old Geezers (and Gals)

B Tel’s Belles

C Woganberries

D Tel-epaths

17 Which star, who died last year, did EastEnders hardman Danny Dyer say was his first crush

A Victoria Wood

B Caroline Aherne when she dressed as pensioner Mrs Merton

C Jean Alexander, aka Coronation Street’s Hilda Ogden

D Andrew Sachs as Manuel

THE WESTMINSTER VILLAGE PEOPLE

18 When he launched his disastrous bid for the leadership, Michael Gove admitted that he didn’t have any…

A Shame

B Charisma

C Friends

D Chance

19 What was 2.6 million words long?

A The Panama Papers exposing the tax affairs of David Cameron’s dad

B The Chilcot Inquiry into the Iraq War

C Donald Trump’s rant against a comedy sketch about him on Saturday Night Live

D Bob Dylan’s acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize

20 Why did Jeremy Corbyn get into a row with Virgin boss Richard Branson?

A Because he didn’t get the correct fair-trade, gluten-free, vegan, halal meal on his Virgin Atlantic flight

B Over whether there were spare seats on a Virgin train he was travelling on

C Over who had the tidiest beard

D Because the Labour leader wanted the tycoon’s Necker Island to take its fair share of refugees

21 What did John Whittingdale say he was going to do after being sacked as Culture Secretary?

A Get very drunk

B Take up a lucrative job writing for a Murdoch paper

C Go to his happy place…

D Spend more time with his dominatrix

22 As well as throttling a dog, Michael Heseltine claimed to have done what?

A Kicked a kitten

B Punched an ocelot

C Shot dead 350 grey squirrels

D Arm-wrestled Superman and the Incredible Hulk and Batman and made them all cry because ‘I have such big muscles and am a big strong boy’

23 Of what did Samantha Cameron say ‘I don’t think I’m really cut out for this’?

A A trip on the Tube

B Not being the wife of a PM any more

C Training as a cage-fighter

D Doing the Great British Bake Off

INSIDE THE PALACE…

24 A 2016 documentary revealed that the Queen once wanted to be…

A President of the George Formby Appreciation Society

B On Strictly

C A stormtrooper in the Star Wars movies

D Replaced on bank notes by Sir David Attenborough

25 Which of these is not true of Prince Harry’s girlfriend, Meghan Markle?

A She runs a website that offers such blindingly obvious tips such as ‘use left-over turkey in sandwiches’

B Her father invented the cronut, the half-croissant, half-doughnut snack

When he launched his disastrous bid for the leadership, Michael Gove admitted that he didn¿t have any¿

When he launched his disastrous bid for the leadership, Michael Gove admitted that he didn’t have any…

C She personally addressed all of pop singer Robin Thicke’s wedding invitations and envelopes

D She was once a ‘briefcase girl’ on the US version of Deal Or No Deal

26 Why did the Duchess of York say she applied for residency in Switzerland?

A Because it has a ‘positive energy that allows me to focus on new philanthropic activities’

B A fake sheik duped her into buying a timeshare on Lake Geneva

C She likes yodelling and cuckoo clocks

D Because of its tiny tax rate

27 How did Prince Philip describe himself?

A A pensioner living off the state

B The world’s most experienced plaque-unveiler

C The Jim Davidson of the Royal Family

D A crumbling old institution… like a loony bin

A QUESTION (OR FIVE) OF SPORT

28 What odd training technique did Leicester manager Claudio Ranieri use to help his players win the Premiership at odds of 5,000/1?

A The ‘hairdryer treatment’– in which he’d give them all a luxury salon session whenever they won

B He’d throw mini Baby-Bel cheeses at them to get them to run faster

C An imaginary bell that goes ‘Dilly-ding, dilly-dong’

D Ballet lessons – complete with tutus – to make them lighter on their feet

29 Why did the water turn green in the Olympic swimming pools?

A In honour of Ellen Keane’s bronze medal for Ireland

B Because of an imbalance in the levels of chemicals used in the water

C The dye ran in the cheap trunks worn by the cash-strapped Greek team

D In reaction to the dodgy substances in the urine of the Russian team

30 How did Alistair Brownlee forfeit his chance of triathlon success?

A He stopped for a pint

B He slowed to help his exhausted brother over the finish line

C He used a motorbike in the cycling section

D He refused to be part of Team GB, post-Brexit

31 What activity did participants want to classified as a sport?

Why were kettles flagged up as a security threat?

Why were kettles flagged up as a security threat?

A Bell-ringing

B Internet trolling

C The Mannequin Challenge

D Pokemon Go

32 What lasted 67 days?

A An Olympic canoeing event, which was suspended for two months mid-contest while officials cleaned out dumped shopping trolleys and sofas from the course

B The drinking bender the England football squad went on after beating Scotland

C The time between Sir Andy Murray’s smiles

D Sam Allardyce’s reign as England football manager

EARTH CALLING PLANET SHOWBIZ

33 Which of these did Gwyneth Paltrow say helped her beauty regime?

A Being stung by bees

B Inhaling VW diesel emissions

C Basting herself in slug mucus

D Surfing on the astral waves of loving karma from the spirit Gaia

34 Which title did Bono win?

A Glamour Magazine’s Woman of the Year

B Ireland Under-12 Marbles Champion

C Face most likely to be punched by a stranger

D Employee of the month at his record company

35 How did former Ginger Spice Geri Horner mark the Queen’s 90th birthday?

A Sent Her Majesty her famous Union Jack mini-dress to wear on the Buckingham Palace balcony

B Sent her a case of Old Spice after-shave (geddit?)

Why was a paddling pool full of oil in the news? What it because Former BHS boss Sir Philip Green was described as being as slippery as this when he faced MPs?

Why was a paddling pool full of oil in the news? What it because Former BHS boss Sir Philip Green was described as being as slippery as this when he faced MPs?

C Made cupcakes – with Hello! magazine there to document it all in a glossy feature

D Smartened herself up, did up her tie, and sang the National Anthem

36 How did Madonna pledge her ‘love and support’ for the nation of Malawi?

A With a raunchy pop video that accidentally ‘desecrated’ the country’s holiest monument

B By posting a picture of a flag. The Kenyan flag

C By promising not to release her latest awful single there

D By naming her pet llama Lilongwe, after its capital

37 How did Katie Price’s husband* (*correct at time of writing) Kieran Hayler apologise for cheating on her?

A By buying her a 53rd boob job

B Having a 12in tattoo of Price, wearing only her undies but with huge wings, inked on to his right leg

C Erected a 30ft, bright pink statue of her in her front garden

D By getting a plane to fly over her home dragging a banner saying: ‘Soz I woz unfaythfull’

38 Why was a paddling pool full of oil in the news?

A It is all the North Sea oil that Scotland has left

B An anonymous A-list star romped in one, but the full story was subject to a powerful injunction

C Former BHS boss Sir Philip Green was described as being as slippery as this when he faced MPs

D It’s what comedian Peter Kay uses as a diet drink

39 When Jo Brand did a 150-mile trek for Sports Relief, she said her body was a temple… why?

A Because it’s big and doesn’t move

B It’s only active one day a week

C She keeps her shoes on the outside.

D Because schools organise trips to visit it and pupils marvel at how it’s still standing

TECHNOBABBLE

40 Why were kettles flagged up as a security threat?

A Because ‘smart’ internet-connected devices could be hacked

B They could be used to steam open envelopes with secrets in them

When Jo Brand did a 150-mile trek for Sports Relief, she said her body was a temple¿ why?

When Jo Brand did a 150-mile trek for Sports Relief, she said her body was a temple… why?

C ‘Kettle’ is MI6 slang for sleeper cells that could brew trouble in minutes

D They could contain subversive elements

41 Bill Gates has invented a cure for… what?

A A bug in Windows 95, 21 years late

B The smell of poo

C Ennui

D Impotence, but no one believes him as the emails go to the spam folder

42 Why did the Large Hadron Collider have to shut down in April?

A Because a weasel fell into the machinery

B Because someone forgot to put a euro in the electricity meter

C Because a radiation leak created a mutant lizard that had to be destroyed

D Because of industrial action over whether a newly discovered quark should be named after Galileo or Brian Cox

AND FINALLY…

43 What did St Monica’s Catholic Primary School in Milton Keynes ban this year?

A Parents’ evenings, as they promoted an outdated image of the family

B Colouring-in, as pupils felt bad when they went over the lines

C Whistles, fearing the ‘aggressive’ noise will scare children

D Exams, fearing Russian hackers were interfering with the results

44 What was the biggest confectionery-based scandal of the year?

A Toblerone reducing the number of triangles on its bars

B Percy Pigs becoming Percy Pandas to avoid offending the Muslim and Jewish communities

C Curly Wurlys becoming 20 per cent less Curly and 15 per cent less Wurly

D The Milky Bar Kid replaced by Milky Bar Millennial… who complains about being lactose-intolerant

45 Who was dropped as a UN equality ambassador?

A Eric Bristow

B Wonder Woman

C John Inverdale

D Ivanka Trump

46 What was unusual about London ‘pop-up’ restaurant The Bunyadi?

A All diners and staff are naked

B It was themed around Welsh soap opera Pobol Y Cwm

C It’s so hipster that it has parking for penny-farthings, offers free beard combs to all male customers, and charges £7.50 for a cup of PG Tips

D The food has already been digested and regurgitated before being served.  

HERE ARE THE ANSWERS 

1: C 2: D 3: B 4: D 5: B 6: B 7: D 8: D 9: B 10: B 11: B 12: A 13: B 14: C 15: D 16: A 17: A 18: B 19: B 20: B 21: A 22: C 23: D 24: A 25: B 26: A 27: B 28: C 29: B 30: B 31: A 32: D 33: A 34: A 35: C 36: B 37: B 38: B 39: A 40: A 41: B 42: A 43: C 44: A 45: B 46: A

HOW DID YOU DO?

Zero-10 Excellent! You have properly embraced the post-truth world.

11-22 Well done! You’ve clearly been reading a lot of news. Fake news, maybe, but news nonetheless.

23-34 You are pretty well-informed about everything that went on in 2016. For which you have our condolences.

35+ You’re an expert. And we all know Britain has had quite enough of experts. Hang your head in shame.